Distant Glover’s 25/26 review

Distant Glover has been treating us to ‘cartoons’ for a few seasons now and always captures the moment wonderfully. Now, he captures the season in his 2025/26 review in true Distant Glover fashion. (This one’s not a cartoon.)

Where we won National League South

In pre-season, it’s revealed that we’re training in South Gloucestershire in order to attract players from Birmingham. Apparently, we just miss out on Jude Bellingham. As the season draws to an end, there are rumours that next season we’ll train just outside Miami. We’ll just miss out on Suarez and Messi, but sign two coaches called Crocket and Tubbs on the basis that they’ll show the squad how to really roll their sleeves up. Also, we’ll head out just before Jed Ward’s loan ends and then hide his passport.

Hallowed turf

For tactical reasons, it was decided to make the pitch smaller and move the goals away from the stands. After a review, it’s been decided for next season to move the goal we’re defending further away from the stands and into the car park.

You say potato

The season begins with reviving the old tradition of our first goal scorer winning a sack of spuds. It takes longer than expected, but does mean there’s one thing off the Sims family Christmas dinner shopping list. Next season, fans are hoping the club can revive another old tradition: the 2003 one of getting into the EFL.

In the middle of our goal

Ten seconds into the first game of the season, keeper Jed Ward becomes the fastest ever winner of Player Of The Year. He celebrates by kicking the ball out for an opposition throw.

Manager part 1

Cooper’s tactic of having a small squad might have worked better if his other tactic hadn’t been getting rid of our best players. According to some sources, he actually sacked himself for not being passive-aggressive enough in post-match interviews.

Invisible ink

Thanks to the new home kit letters and numbers, commentators who aren’t fans spend the season unable to refer to anyone in the squad by name. However, it does stop commentators who are fans from complaining about squad numbers higher than 11. As a season of moaning about a lack of big personalities draws to a close, it becomes clear that actually there were loads of characters in the team all along. It’s just that no-one could see them on the back of the home kit.

Managers part 2 and 4

As a player at Southampton, Richard Dryden was famous for losing cars. As a manager at Yeovil, he was famous for losing other things, including matches and tall tattooed defenders. He even managed to lose another manager between his first and second stints.

Calm

Yeovil fans discover the best method of keeping calm is meditation, and that the key to meditation is having a mantra to repeat over and over again. The mantra is either “Gerrit forward” or “Sign a striker”.

Managers part 3

Danny Webb lasts just one match in charge. Whilst his sudden departure never is fully explained, fans who were there understand that Tamworth away has that effect on people.

Competitive

Staff find one of Mark Cooper’s old notebooks in a cupboard. In it, he appears to base his management style on police interrogation techniques. This finally explains the whole good half, bad half thing.

Manager part 5

Fun fact: since the arrival of Billy Rowley, 86% of Yeovil fans’ favourite metaphor for describing the last few years is “like a rollercoaster”.

Hair Glorious Hair

Club accounts reveal half the club’s budget is being spent on shampoo and conditioner for our magnificently-coiffured squad. Any complaints are quickly forgotten when we win “Non-League Hair Of The Year” award, and attract both Toni and Guy as shirt sponsors for 26/27. Also, we sign Claudia Winkelman.

Liking penalties until Southport

Whilst taking a penalty, Brett McGavin kicks the ball so hard it enters hyperspace. The ball goes clean through the back of the net and travels to another dimension, landing in a seaside resort in a faraway galaxy called Dorset. Its path is halted by the back of an unfortunate steward’s head, prompting him to wave his fist at the sky and shout “Not again!”.

Community

Documents leaked from Somerset Council reveal that the Huish Park rent is funding ambitious plans to twin Yeovil with one of eight Caribbean islands. Councillors are keen to stress that a final decision will only be made after exhaustive due diligence has been completed on all eight islands. Formally.

Clean machine

Photos of a mould-covered Huish Park go viral. Closer inspection reveals the mould is green, and could be in the running for club mascot. Galvanised into action, Jolly Green Giant rents a jet wash and a cherry picker.

Cider apple turnover

Statistics finally prove that the Curse Of The Ex-Glover Scoring Against Us isn’t actually a Curse, but just a Highly Probable Event. This is because 74% of players in the National League have played for us. In the past three seasons.

Make it stop

By March, it feels like the season started around the time King Charles was crowned. By April, it feels like it started when he was beheaded.

You’re in the north

After York make it really hard for them to buy tickets, 209 Yeovil fans get their own back by briefly pretending they’re Rochdale fans in Braintree. That shows ’em.

Finally done

There’s a back-to-school flavour to the end of the season as we finish Mathematically safe, Geographically on the beach, Historically slightly better, Biologically exhausted, Chemically depressed, Physically limping and English Literally hoping the Midsummer Night’s Dream of promotion comes true. (One for the Shakespeare fans: hope we don’t finish Bottom.)

Merch

After the final game of the season, the club shop launches a new deodorant. It’s called Roll On 26-27.